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Excerpted from 5 Signs The American Consumer Will Save The World by Benjamin N. Dover III

The “Me” generation officially has been succeeded by the “i-“ generation. Apple recently announced the sale of the 1-gajillionth i-Pad after only one month on the market. Now, you’re probably thinking that the vast majority of those buyers don’t own either an i-Phone or a personal computer of any kind, so they’re not likely to buy another computing/communication device, thus slowing sales in those spaces. But you’d be wrong! It turns out the percentage of i-Pad buyers who already own both an i-Pad Mini and an i-Pad Maxi (for those heavy internet surfing days) is — hold on, let me get the exact figure — 100%. At this rate, by the end of 2015, Apple will have sold 4 i-Something-Or-Others for every man, woman and child on the planet. And Apple’s already developing prototypes that will revolutionize other product areas, including the i-Vibrator, the i-Q-Tip, and for your vacuuming needs, the i-Suck.

Did I mention Apple sold 68 hexatrillion i-Pads before the idea for the device was even conceived?

And that’s not counting the exponentially larger number of essential apps that all those i-Pad users are shelling out hard-earned credit for. Like the one that senses increased blood flow to the genitals and automatically downloads freaky Japanese porn to your i-Whatever (only $2.99 at http://www.fapapp.com); or the app that reminds you to have a bowel movement (only $4.99 at http://www.crapapp.com); or the one that tells you every hour on the hour that you’re a sucker for having bought it (only $12.99 at http://www.sapapp.com).

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